- black hat, la vie d'un vilain -

There’s always someone watching…the watcher…

miles away from ordinary…miles away from everything…

Dreams of beaches and sunsets. Fantasies of dancing till dawn…then sunrises. A relaxing sense of given freedom…a planned relapse. The calm after Jupiter’s storm, it seemed like it would never end. Delocation for these mental chains..

I sit in the chair…she leans down to kiss me, her hair surrounds me like a weeping willow tree. Will she keep me dry when the storm comes?

Its mercy, compassion, and forgiveness I lack…not rationality.

It was my darkest day. I had crossed a line that would change things forever…the guilt became pain…the pain became torture… The torture made me numb to the point that I could feel nothing. I felt dead…drifting off into a cold slumber…. I awoke to find myself somewhere I had never been before….feeling like Ive never felt. There was a sensation in me…a need, a want, a lust, but for what? It kept calling me…pulling me.

Watch. As the wind pushes them into wayward behavior, thier sultry existance radiates like the blurred glow of the very street lamps they wander under. Flushed faces and flowing smiles. Leans and loose legs. Walking…more like dancing. Talking…more like singing. The weight of the week left at home, now they float thru the city with an air of reckless confidence, feeling good, trying to feel better. Trying to remember how it feels to forget. Experiencing euphoria for moments but seeking seconds of ecstasy, a lust to not care. So for tonight…they are free.

Single servings cannot feed my appetite. This, inside of me, fast food, here today, gone tomorrow. I am hungry for something different before my meal is even done. I am not greedy, these meals just dont suffice for the taste I have set out to find, so I eat for nourishment, forcing down quality food others could only hope to taste with the same lack of effort. Food some would do more for, work twice as hard for, wait forever for…die for…yet I eat and discard as if Im starving but become fill from one spoon. To the point now, I dont want to eat. I’ll starve. I want to starve. I long to be full…of a wonderful meal so great in its glory it itimidates me, one I am unsure I can finish. A meal so complex, I dont understand, cant understand, it but love it. A meal that when my mouth touches it, sparks of electricity tingle me everywhere creating an auora of excitement that fills ever corner and crevice of my stomach with a calming warmness that makes me feel like I will never need another meal again. I want this meal so bad, I can taste the smell in the air. I need this meal to make me healthy again. I need this meal to live. I need this meal to be made only for me, because I want this meal to be the only thing that matters. So here I am…looking for a meal to complete me.

Love? Real love? Real love is not knowing anything, not even how you feel, but being absolutly content with that.

Thursdays are Fridays. Fridays are Saturdays. Saturdays are Saturdays. Sundays are Fridays. Mondays are Sundays. Tuesdays are Thursdays. Wednesday is the calm.

The ground shook. I was in the middle of a hot shower. My head was down, mind lost. I looked up as I heard the pipes and walls rattle. I got out. Earthquake was the last thought on my mind. Terrorist attack I felt. I threw on some sweats, grabbed my phones, a gun, and turned the tv on. Earthquake. Ok. But I kept the gun out…and loaded….just in case…I know the evil men do in the midst of chaos…

Too often I wake up like this…hoping im home but knowing im not…the faint smell of haze in the air…empty bottles of champagne, liquor and water…trying to recount what i spent…my clothes on the floor…both of my phones are dead…a lovely face and a beautiful mess of long hair next to me…shes going to leave when she gets up, they always do, not because I want her to, but because shes just out for a good time or because she thinks I won’t respect her…but I do…I respect her lust for life, I love her for the moments we have had…I could…but I know the inevitable…so I savor the peaceful beauty of her as she sleeps…Eventually she’ll wake…and leave…and we won’t exchange numbers and leave it fate to meet again where it’ll be awkward or perfect…but for now its over…….

Supervillian ish…

free yourself…